i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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