in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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