Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
