Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
