I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
