I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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