If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize