you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
