i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
