hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
