Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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