Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You pole danced in your parka.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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