uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
