My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize