every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
