Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I didn't notice because vodka
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
