Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
