i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
