so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
