So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
