If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
