I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
