Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
