im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
