Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He better not be in your backpack
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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