all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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