somebody snuck up and got me drunk
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
