If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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