I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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