she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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