Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
