Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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