Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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