New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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