I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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