We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
