So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
