i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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