I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
