just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
