Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
