My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
