This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize