I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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