Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just had sex bonerless
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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