I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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