I am midnight drunk by noon
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
