Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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