My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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