I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
