I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
