It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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