update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
