no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
