Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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