You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
