So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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