you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
