i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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