yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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