OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
