He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We are all done wearing pants today
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
