mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
