And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
