Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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