He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
