So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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